It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
