Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
