i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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