if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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