hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Someone signed my nipple.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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