god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
This toilet bowl is my home.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
