Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
