he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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