when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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