he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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