Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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