I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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