I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
