On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
