I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
