Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my being single is dangerous.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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