yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Please, let me fuck your mom
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Oh god it's open bar.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
