defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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