I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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