why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
