Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Randomize
