i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
