2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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