She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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