please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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