He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
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i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
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You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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