I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
