I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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