So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
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i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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