I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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