If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I am midnight drunk by noon
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Use "feeling words"
Yay
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
