I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
