I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just pee around me
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
