My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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