I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
