how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I woke up under a house in Key West
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
