Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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