i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
