You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
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I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
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I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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