I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
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i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
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I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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