You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
