Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
