i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
