disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
