Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
