apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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