New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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