I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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