So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
