"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
