What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
