My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
