3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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