She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
