I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
